Never Better

The lined pages fall before me and I cant help but have a smile rise to my face, as I read a journal from so long ago. Memories flood my mind and overwhelm every thought. The days of crowded hallways and social disasters. The days of the innocent. The days of excitement over simple things and laughing so hard tears came to my eyes. The days of the young. My old journal is simple, but its filled with so many complexities of my past. I cant help but turn the pages slowly, recalling every moment I've lived.
Its interesting to look back at life, back at the paths you've stepped into. Its intriguing to dissect just how you got into the spot you're in. Some steps make you, some steps completely break you. You find yourself losing direction, or you find yourself with life's compass knowing exactly which way you want to go.
I have been one of the luckiest girls in life. Surrounded by an amazing family who, even in the roughest times, were a great support to me. True friends that were always there for me, and to this day some still are. Its amazing to watch change fold right before you in the pages of the past. Comparing the todays to the yesterdays, seeing that things have changed dramatically, but some things will always be the same.
Whether it be dancing crazy dressed in funny outfits with one of my best friends, or driving down the freeway with music blasting so loud and screaming at the top of my lungs just because it was a bad day. Or even something simpler, like my philosophies on relationships or what I did to pass the time. People miss their high school days, their days of crowded hallways and proms. Their days of crushes and homework. For some its the days of detention and parties. But, me, I don't miss it at all. I have never been happier than the days I am living now. I spent most of my high school days just waiting for it to be over. I never really fit in, most of all because I was afraid to let out the real me.
All throughout high school, I was what everyone wanted me to be, to an extent. I never let anyone into my head, and never let anything in my head...out. I trusted very few people and even then, there were moments and times that I didn't tell those few, a thing. Today, I look in the mirror and I like who I see, the girl I'm staring at, is the girl I've always wanted to be.
Back in the day, I was so innocent and so single-minded. I was full of fear. Scared of what people thought of me, and scared of taking any kind of risks. I had a relationship with a boy, but we were pretty much friends with the boyfriend/girlfriend title. Dating 9 months and never kissing...it was my fault. I couldn't let him get close, even physically. Everyone was to be kept at arms length. After we ended our charade of a relationship, I realized that I wasn't letting myself feel anything at all. I wanted to just block out pain, but I ended up blocking out every other feeling too.

When graduation finally came about, I was never happier to take a step forward. I was letting go of a lot of pain, frustration, and most of all, my fear. I was ready to jump off any cliff that came my way. Life had thrown so much at me, why not take on a little more?
I guess you can say my life changed with fireworks. The Fourth of July at Warped Tour, I had met this boy a couple days before. He was different than the boys that I had crushed on. Oh no, I actually talked to him. Girls like me, they stayed away from boys completely. But with him, it was different. I was ready to jump, to take that risk of letting someone get close. He wasn't afraid to put his arms around me, to hold me close and keep me safe from crazy moshers. He was quick to smile and full of confidence. When it was time for me to leave, to take my best friend home and call it a night. He was standing there, saying his goodbyes, I was so nervous standing in front of him. Then it all went away, and I knew we would be okay, with me just being...me. So, I let go. And he kissed me. Then the fireworks started, in my mind and in the sky.
From then on, I took more steps to just letting go. Oh and that boy? I have the luck of calling him my husband and the father of my child. He has been a guide in my life's path. And now, he is walking beside me and helping me guide a path for our daughter. So, yeah, I don't ever want to go back to the days of crowded hallways and homework. I don't want to go back to my days of fear. No, I'm ready to step forward and stop being so scared of everything. I've never been happier,and I'm pretty sure the best for me is yet to come.